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| ..."Man goes to doctor. Says he's depressed. Says life seems harsh and cruel. Says he feels all alone in a threatening world where what lies ahead is vague and uncertain. Doctor says 'Treatment is simple. Great clown Pagliacci is in town tonight. Go and see him. That should pick you up.' Man bursts into tears. Says 'But, doctor...I am Pagliacci.'"...
Everybody's smiling, smiling, smiling. Ear to fraudulent ear donning a grin more fabricated than you're ever led to believe. Everyone is their own unique performer showcasing a secret charade for your daily enjoyment only made possible for the simple fact that well, everyone can smile. A smile's a universal display of happiness, capable of concealing the most awful things. Hiding behind this veil of pearly whites no one's the wiser; no one suspects a thing. You could have murdered your family, cheated on your wife or done something else unfathomably unspeakable and all you have to do is smile, or in the case of murder or adultery... smile and change your clothes. Disgusting.
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| i am jack's low self esteem. i tell jack that he is not worth anything
and that he should just give up. i am jack's social anxiety. i make
jack afraid to interact with people, and give him a reason to feel like
his self esteem should be low. i am jack's inferiority complex. i make
jack feel that he is the worst person in the world and that there is
something inherently wrong with him. i am jack's restless mind. i am
constantly thinking and making jack feel worse even when he starts to
feel better. i am jack's constant state of depression. i make jack feel
miserable all day long and make him wish that he had never visited a
place we know as the universe. i am jack's sense of accomplishment. i
am now nonexistent because i feel that nothing that i ever do is worth
anything because no matter what i try i cannot make myself feel happy.
i am jack's guilt. i make jack feel terrible for feeling the way he
does because he has things better than 90% of the people on the face of
the earth.
i am jack's sense of hope. i am one of the few things
that keeps jack from ending his life. i am beginning to fade away, but
jack tries to hold onto me with everything he has, because i am all he
has left...
what are you? | | |
| I'm friggin' terrified that you'll like the space, and this is how we'll stay. It breaks my heart to think it's a possibility.
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| I want to rip the universe a part, seam by seam and thread by thread. Starting with those most insignificant fibers, working my way up to the colossal wonders of unreachable proportions; those sky high limits of endless possibilities and those fucking hearts full of hope. I won't be content until chaos and calamity run rampant and wild, as wild as a river of madness. I want to hold everything the world has ever loved over it's head and dangle it like some kind of morbid toy over the head of a helpless child. I want to live on the brink of annihilation, on the frayed edges of existence and experience exactly what it's like to be truly alive. To venture where the lucky ones meander; the frantic, the freaks and the fuck ups. I wish to rest in the shade of absence as the world collapses around me. To be there when everyone finally goes mad and to see the unimiginable look on each persons face as anarchy and insanity take the reigns and assume control of anything and everything. The destruction and downfall of civilization will be a welcome change by not only me im sure. Change, it seems to be the most essential component missing from the grand scheme of things. That unexpected big bang of events that lead to even bigger bangs and chain reactions of things that alter the world in a way we can't even begin to comprehend.
I want to be the sole cause of that change.
I want to be the devil on your shoulder.
I killed your angel and took it's place.
I'm the skeletons in your closet; your deepest and darkest secrets.
I am your shadow self.
I am the end of the world.
But that's just me...
It's a 40 degree summer night without a cloud in the sky and I stare up and wonder. I wonder why I am the way I am, and why things are the way they are. I stare into empty space and I wonder. I wonder for hours and hours on end and I get nothing.
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